Dark Lords R Us
by Madrigal-in-training
Summary: Have you ever heard about Harry Potter? Or about Toys R Us? Well this is the all new Dark Store magazine from a brand new sensation that's sweeping the nation! Read and Reveiw!
1. Chapter 1

Dark Lords R Us

Section 1

Due to the recent demand for dark supplies, we, that is to say Dark Lords R Us, have met the need. We pride ourselves on our amazing customer service and naturally all our workers have signed a magically binding confidentiality contract. We have a variety of dark supplies such as:

Books/ Ancient tomes

Potions supplies/ potions

Wicked ink black robes

Dark artifacts AND MUCH, MUCH MORE

Contact us via Floo (password is "Dumbledore's a moron") or send an owl to Dark Lords R Us at your earliest convenience for the best shopping trip ever.

Among our most notable clients are:

Lord Lucius Damien Malfoy (Britain)

Lord Voldemort (Britain)

The late Lord Orion Black (Britain)

The late Lady Walburga Black (Britain)

Lord Rodolphus Lestrage (Britain)

Lady Bellatrix Lestrage nee Black (Britain)

Lord Vivian Alexander Devereux (France)

Lady Sumatra Jane Destivera (Southern Brazil)

Lord Cilantro Varian (Italy)

Lady Sienna Varian nee Cametra (Italy)

Books That We Also Sell Are:

_Most Potent Potions_ by Salazar Slytherin

_Veni, Vidi, Vici: A Greek Conquistador_ by Julius Caesar

_World Domination and YOU_! By Lord Devereux

_Ten Easy Ways to Overthrow a Government_ by Lord Devereux

_Castration Charms and Other Painful Cutting Spells_ by Bellatrix Lestrage

_Twisted Transfiguration_ by Lady Varian

_One Hundred and One Painful Hexes and Curses_ by Lord Voldemort

_Unforgivables around the World_ by Lord Varian

_Darkest Arts: A Look into the World of the Undead_ by Vampire King Horatio

_Killing Curses for Dummies_ by Lady Destivera

Recent Order

Lord Voldemort had decided to purchase three hundred copies of "_Killing Curses for Dummies"_ by Lady Destivera for a true bargain of 1,500 galleons for the new Death Eater recruits fighting for the glorious pureblood cause.

Want Ads and Bargains

NOTICE: Members of the I- Hate- Harry- Potter club would just like you to know that the next club meeting will be held at Malfoy Manor on Tuesday. Also no killing curse allowed. Thank you. Club President: The esteemed Lord Voldemort

Sale! Sale! Sale! Free death eater robes if you buy four or more level three potions. Get them while you can!

Message from Bellatrix Black: Gold will be given generously for whoever has managed to gain inside information on the Order of the Fried Turkey!

His royal majesty, Vampire King Horatio, requests more minions to fill his personal guard. Must be magical, pureblood, or half blood, and be willing to work with vampires. We promise not to feed on your blood… much.

Killing spree this weekend. Be there or be a Muggle!

Lord Lestrage is in need of a new mistress. All participants must fill requirements of:

Being a pureblood woman

Secrecy charm to not tell Bella bitch and

Sane

Lady Walburga Black's Request: Will one of you please kill my worthless, Muggle loving, blood traitor, worthless excuse of a son? Preferably painfully and with much blood loss? Participants will receive a generous pay for your help.

_If any of you people are wondering than yes, I am odd enough to actually think of something like this. If you like it or think it was unusual and/ or funny than please Review!_


	2. Chapter 2

**Dark Lord R Us**

Section 2

Free excerpt from the popular best seller "The Dark Chronicles"

How To Become A Dark Lord In Ten Easy Steps

Become a member of Slytherin's house

Refer to all members of the Lion's Den as "impulsive Gryffindorks" all members of the Raven's Nest as "gossiping old ladies" and all members of the Badgers Burrow as "sniveling cowards."

Open up a secret chamber in the girl's bathroom and then go on a merry killing spree with your favorite gigantic poisonous snake.

Dress like you're about go trick or treating every day.

Insult Headmaster Dumbledore a lot.

Basically loose any previous fashion sense whatsoever and start charming your eyes bloody red. Because that is like seriously cool. And it creeps everyone out.

Be all buddy-buddy with the soul sucking guards of the Wizarding prison, Azkaban.

Don't fail to kill an impulsive Gryffindorks baby with an Avada Kedavra curse, loose your body in said curse, and then follow said Gryffindork baby throughout his school years with an almost stalker like obsession. Seriously, you're acting like a lovesick puppy here.

Make up a fictional name like Voldemort, which by the way smells like a smelly cheese and then walk around demanding that people refer to you as a Lord.

Develop homicidal urges and a maniacal laugh for when you kill your enemies.

This segment will be dedicated to my beloved, terrifying math teacher, the true Dark Lord in my life. Although she doesn't know it, she seriously scares the living daylights out of me so congratulation on being such a wicked Dark Lord.


	3. Chapter 3

**Dark Lords R Us**

Section 3

England's Dark Lord Beauty Contest Ad

Held in Riddle Manor, Little Hangleton at Midnight on All Hallows Eve.

All Dark Lord Participants are welcome to join the competition in three parts:

The swimsuit contest

The question and answer session and

The talent portion

Participants must be 1) evil, 2) kill a minimum of at least twelve people, 3) have a wicked title and 4) be feared and hated by most of Wizarding kind.

Come and try to win!

Show off your awesome magical skills, your loyal followers, mortal enemies, and the level of creepiness in your eyes.

Do you have what it takes to be the next

Miss England?

Buy your tickets quickly before they run out at Gaunt Cottage, Little Hangleton

Price ranges from ten galleons for the adults to five galleons for the children

No pictures allowed without paying an extra fee.

_I hope that you all enjoyed this new series so far. The next segment will give the winning results of all the hard work of our beloved Dark Lords as well as the new section of toys for those hard working Death- Eaters- in- training out there and it will also be a much longer chapter! Please review! And if you have any suggestions for the store magazine than please feel free to private message any idea or comments and/ or mention them in your reviews. _


	4. Chapter 4

Dark Lord R Us

**Section 4**

The Winning Results 

Scandal At The Contest: Lord Esperanto a Cheater? 

By: Marietta Raiden 

After an amazingly competitive contest during the Dark Lord Talent Competition, we have found that the results are

In first place: Lord Esperanto who made a surprise visit from Spain just for the competition and scored an impressive first place that seems well deserved for him pure wickedness. Although some wonder if the judges, particularly the Lords daughter, Janet Esperanto, might have been a little biased with their judging of the first place winner. Lord Lucius Malfoy, 42, had this to say from his Wiltshire Mansion last night: _"My lord was deeply injured that Esperanto would unfairly cheat his way into winning the competition. Voldemort was set undoubtedly to win after his excellent performance during round two until unfair judging by Esperanto's loyal daughter took away the prize that was rightfully his. I myself am shocked that we live in such a world where homicidal Dark Lords lie and cheat their way to victory. If we cannot trust a Dark Lord nowadays, who can we trust?"_

Wise words indeed by Mr. Malfoy. If we cannot trust the Dark Lords than whom may I ask can we confide in? Well it certainly wouldn't be that meddling, Muggle lover Dumbledore that's for sure. Although his words do hold quite a bit of merit.

After Lord Voldemort's stunning debut in a one piece black bathing suit for the swimwear competition, many- myself included- believed that he would have this competition prize sealed. Instead Esperanto walked away with the priceless magical Aztec artifacts and the ten thousand-galleon prize money, while Voldemort was left to storm away from the manor, in livid fury and the second prize- a bag, with five thousand galleons- in his hand.

The matter is currently being investigated while the third place winner with a prize of three thousand galleons, was Lady Destivera.

Check further issues for more information by Dark Lords R Us.

Death Eaters In Training Kid Specials

No place has better dark, ominous and slightly dangerous toys for kids with amazing bargains as well, than Dark Lords R Us. If you have that special little boy or girl with that inner murderer just waiting to come out inside than this is definitely the place for you. For a small fee you will be on your way to paying for a much better educational and fun childhood for your beloved offspring!

For the little Dark toddlers we have:

Elmo the walking, talking Gryffindor torture puppet taking the private features of any personal enemy you might have. This puppet spouts off stuff like "Gryffindor's are morons!" and "Dumbledore's an idiot!" as well as very realistic girly screams. It is nearly indestructible and a perfect way to teach your blossoming little Slytherin how to properly torture a Gryffindork. Most popular selling models resemble little Harry Potters. Get your own today!

The "Kill Me If You Can" coloring book is a fun, bright, all color picture book that comes with free crayons so you can color in the empty pages. It teaches all about the Unforgivables in a friendly open matter that will make your child instantly love them.

Barney the singing animatronics purple Gryffindor dinosaur will become your child's favorite singing pal. His top hit is the ever popular "I hate you, you hate me. Let's get together and kill Barney!" This doll is a once in a lifetime original that would provide endless entertainment and lessons to your child. Don't miss up on this amazing opportunity to teach your child the basics of cruel humor.

These are only the few in a long line of toys that you can order today! Please check the next issue for teenage Death- Eaters- In- Training toys.

_I hope everyone enjoyed this and would comment on it quickly. I'm currently a bit preoccupied with school and such but I'll try to post again as soon as possible. Thank you and REVIEW. _


	5. Chapter 5

**Dark Lord R Us **

**Section 5**

Toys for Teens

**Hand Of Destiny**~ this rare artifact is a shriveled hand acquired from a deceased Egyptian pharaoh's mummy found in the deep tombs of the Sahara. It gives its wielders the ability to call back dark spirits from the astral plane as well as a defense from many minor to intermediate curses. Sale price at four hundred and seventy five Galleons with no refunds allowed.

**Multi Useful Potions Package~ **A vial of a dozen varying and difficult to procure potions including the Draught of Living Death, Felix Felicius, Amortentia, Polyjuice potion, and Veritaserum. Also comes with a small silver dagger for cutting potion ingredients, several empty vials, and an obscure potion book. For more ingredients please check below. The price is three hundred galleons.

**The Eye of Sidereal~ **A powerful relic from the holy lands of Jerusalem this eye can help you see through Invisibility cloaks, disillusion charms, solid objects and Polyjuice potion. This once in a lifetime offer to acquire a magnificent object such as this is four hundred galleons; the price will not change.

**Shadow Cloak**~ A magical cloak woven from the silver strands of Nymph hair found in the icy rivers below the Himalayas and dipped in fresh dragon blood once every blue moon under an oak tree at the stroke of midnight, this cloak will give the wearer the ability to instantaneously travel from one place to the other by using shadows. Do to the scarcity of its ingredients and its lasting affects the price will be no less than eight hundred Galleons. Not open for negotiation.

For more amazing artifacts please call (1800) 369-Evil today or Floo call to Dark Lords R Us Inc!

**Rare Potions Ingredients**

Fresh Hungarian Horntail blood: Twenty galleons a pint

Chinese Welsh dragon claws and teeth: fifteen galleons a handful

Pure Basilisk poison: Twenty-five galleons a pint

Norwegian Ridgeback dragon hide: Sixteen galleons

Unsullied Phoenix Tears: Eight galleons a pint

Golden Phoenix feathers: six galleons per feather

Hippogriff claws: eight galleons per handful

Basilisk hide: Seven galleons per square yard

Crushed Basilisk fangs: twenty-eight galleons per handful

Niffler fur: seven galleons per square yard

Acromantula silk: fifteen galleons per square yard

Acromantula poison: eighteen galleons per pint

Unicorn blood: sixteen galleons per pint

Crushed fairy wings: nine galleons per handful

Grindolow blood: eight galleons per pint

Mermaid flesh: fourteen galleons per square yard

Nymph hair: ten galleons per strand

Unicorn tails: twenty galleons per tail

AND MUCH MORE AT THE FULL SELECTION! GET YOURS TODAY!

_Okay I hope that all of you like this new fanfics so far. I've decided that since this fanfics came on a bit earlier than scheduled than I can move up my other fanfics ideas and post up my next one preferably before the middle of November. Or maybe if I hurry than I can post up a bit during Halloween. Anyway I don't know if my next story will be Percy Jackson or Avalon so you'll have to wait a little while to find out. Also, please REVIEW! _


	6. Chapter 6

**Dark Lords R Us**

**Sector 5**

Clothing Line

For the many females and males out there that are in a serious need of clothes, Dark Lords R Us is here to cater to you every need. We have a variety of custom made, magically fitting one size for all clothes scattered all over our amazing racks, that come in excellent high quality fabrics and generous discount prizes. Our T-shirt display for example, has some great slogans plastered in flashing spider silk gray, wicked bloody crimson, flashing ink black and a variety of darkened shades. Some of our most popular shirts say:

Help Wanted: Kill Gryffindor's Golden Boy

Join the Dark Side: We Have Cookies

I Kissed The Dark Lord And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

Killing Isn't Everything; It's The Only Thing That Lets You Have A Cool Maniac Laugh

If At First You Don't Succeed… Blame The Boy Who Lived

Orders: Three hundred t-shirts that say _"Help Wanted: Kill Gryffindor's Golden Boy"_ for every Slytherin third and fourth year student. Must come in neon pink (fifty of them), bloody crimson (one hundred), sky blue (twenty five), onyx black (eighteen), pale gold (seven), raven black with blue tints (seventy five), and emerald green (twenty five). Ordered by: Draco Malfoy scion of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Malfoy. Discount price: 1,300 galleons. No Refund.

One _"I Kissed The Dark Lord And All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt"_ for Lady Bellatrix Lestrage. Shade: Midnight black only. Ten galleons. No Refunds.

One _"Killing Isn't Everything; It's The Only Thing That Lets You Have A Cool Maniac Laugh"_ T-shirt, in flashing rainbow letters for Harry Potter aka The Boy Who Lived. Fifteen galleons plus shipping and handling. No Refunds.

One _"If At First You Don't Succeed… Blame The Boy Who Lived" _for Peter Pettigrew or Wormtail in dark burgundy. Eight Galleons. Refunds Allowed.

Four _"I Kissed The Dark Lord And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" _for a Lord Sirius Orion Black, Fredrick Weasley, George Weasley and Lord Harry James Potter. Forty galleons. No Refunds.

We also have battle robes made out of Hungarian Horntail hide (it comes in black and red), Chinese Fireball hide, (coming in shades of burgundy, crimson, and grayish black), Norwegian Ridgeback hide, (in shades of light or dark gray hues, swamp green, jet-black, and dark gray blue), and Basilisk hide (in a beautiful shade of poisonous emerald green and ink black).

These hides can also be used to make gloves (charmed with heating and anti-theft charms), cloaks (charmed with disillusion charms, heating charms, invincibility charms, shield charms and anti-theft charms), boots (charmed with heating and invincibility charms) and jackets (charmed with heating charms, antitheft charms and possibly disillusion charms.)

Thank you for taking the time to read this and please wait for the next issue of Dark Lords R Us magazine, featuring an excerpt from the popular novel "How To Get Over Your People Issues" by Lord Sirius Orion Black.

_Thanks to all of you who reviewed last time and will review again now. I hope you all like this fanfics so far and I'll try to update as quickly as possible. So please REVIEW now! _


	7. Chapter 7

**Dark Lords R Us**

**Sector 7**

Welcome to all those wonderful witches and wizards out there who have subscribed for a **Dark Lords R Us** magazine. This issue of the weekly wonder will have a special excerpt from the new popular series _"How To Get Over Your People Issues"_ by a renowned physiological doctor of the Dark Arts Lord Sirius Orion Black.

_Glossary_

_Chapter I: Introduction and Thesis _

_Chapter II: How To Look Amazing_

_Chapter III: Conversation Skills_

_Chapter IV: Getting People's Attention_

_Chapter V: Insulting Idiots Like Lord Blondie While Not Seeming To Insult Them At All_

_Chapter I: Introduction and Thesis_

_Hello, to the wonderful world out there! And of course how can I forget my magnificent Sirius Black fan club? This one's for you guys. I'd also like to dedicate this book to my brilliant godson Lord Harry James Potter, who encouraged me to write this novel that has become such a popular success and to my deceased friends Lilly Potter nee Evans and James Potter. _

_To begin this book off, let me tell you a little about myself. It was a dark and fearful time, the world healing from the scars of the dark Lord Grindelwald while fearing as Voldemort came to power, during the night of December 18, 1964 when the greatest being ever known to mankind opened its gorgeous gray eyes and let loose its first cry. That's right, folks I'm talking about yours truly! I became the oldest son and heir to the prestigious line of Blacks, blah, blah, blah, went to Hogwarts, got my diploma, and became a man of sound mind and stunning body that I am today! _

_Now I was what you'd call a people person but naturally not everyone could have the effortless charm and dazzling looks like me so I have decided to write a book on how to do so. Please check the following chapters for more!_

_Chapter II: How To Look Amazing_

_Okay, let's get one thing straight. Looking stunning isn't as effortless as it seems. And if your not handsome, than really how do you expect to get any positive reactions from the fairer sex. Take for prime example, Snivvelus, better known as Severus Snape who refuses to take a decent shower… ever. Small tip Snivvelus, the grease is supposed to be on your fries not in your hair. And while looking tortured and brooding definitely gets you some pointers with a girl, resembling a bat just takes it one step too far. Also snarling a lot doesn't help. I mean I'm sure there's plenty of time for your chosen crush to learn about your bad habits. (Once she's married and can't run away of course) _

_Another excellent example: Lord Voldemort. Who ever told him that skeleton features, red eyes and snarling teeth were ways to attract a girl? And the whole Crucio-ing people whenever you didn't get a toy that you want… yeah, not exactly working out in the romance department. Unless you like psychos like my cousin Bellatrix that is. But let's face it; big, bad Dark Lord Voldie has never even kissed a girl has he? _

_And while working on your looks is important, there's only so far you can go before people start getting the vibe that you're gay. Two words, here. Draco. Malfoy. While it's admirable that you care so much about your looks and all, two hours in the loo to gel your hair is creepy, even more me. When they say that to get something you have to act like it to know how to get the particular object, they don't necessarily mean that you have to become the next walking ad for _Witch Weekly.

**This is the final issue of Dark Lords R Us and we thank all of our subscribers for reading all the issues. Thank you.**

_This is actually the lat sector I'm going to make regarding the story so I hope that you all enjoyed it and would review. Thank you! _


End file.
